Month: May 2016

I had a vision of a phoenix rising over a year ago at a Dr. Joe Dispenza workshop in Austin. At this time I had no idea how this would inspire me or where it would lead me.

I chose to quit my job at the end of the school year in 2015 with no other job lined up. That part was somewhat easy because I had done it two years prior. The part that was new was stepping into owning being on a sabbatical.

I had no idea why I was being lead to do this I just knew my soul needed it. As I have just completed a full year of being on a sabbatical that phoenix has lead me many times through the dark night of the soul. This time has been a precious time in my life where I allowed life to catch up with me. To really be in all that I have done, to shed old beliefs on a cellular level, and step into bigger better versions of me day after day. So I say thank you dear phoenix for leading the way.

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Phoenix Rising

The strength and courage it has taken me has impressed even me,
Just when I thought I had cried the last tear, three more would appear and slide down my cheek,
Rest endlessly on my chin and drip down to my chest,
Open heart I whispered to myself;
Grateful, thankful, determined;
Just as the phoenix rises,
So do I,
So do I.
Stronger, wiser, more confident, and loving;
Simply soaring to higher heights of heaven,
Loving the entire adventure,
despite the visible rapids below.

I had a best friend for 14 solid years.  We had actually known each other since we were 10 and so had been in and out of each other’s lives for 28 years.  We were really more (as my former mentor would say) wound mates.  We spent hours discussing how the world had wronged us and how they were all assholes and we were just doing what was best for them if they would just see it our way.  We shared common hurts, pain, and childhood wounds.  We also discussed these regularly, but only discussing the problems over and over and over.  It had become quite the sick cycle of emneshed codependence.  It was the only world I knew how to show up in and at the time really the only one I knew existed.

One of the last friendly phone calls we had with each other I told her that I was tired.  I was tired of feeling crappy, tired of the bouts of deep depression and on going anxiety.  Tired of all the weight I felt from my life.  I decided in that moment that I was going to open every closet and let out all the skeletons and unleash all the secrets from the trunks I had stored them in.  I was going to let the light shine on all of it and truly let it all go.  She told me that was not a good idea and that I needed to put bigger chains around the trunks and get a bigger lock for the closet.  This was the beginning of the end of that friendship.  My soul had an agenda and I intended to follow it.

Two years later I wrote a poem about the experience of this friendship. The words soothed that tender part of me that needed to let her go even more. The part that also knew that by following my heart I had unlocked the depths of who I really am.

Here is that piece called Weight or Weightlessness:

“Our friendship used to feel like an anchor on my ankle,

Keeping me secured to the ground,

Keeping me safe,

It used to be secured with a nice neat rope with a sailor’s knot.

Time wore on and the rope became a chain,

Being secured to the ground was stifling,

Suffocating at best; it was choking me.

I tried to loosen the chain,

You tied it tighter and wound another one around.

You told me it was best for me to stay put,

To stay secured to the ground.

I wanted to fly,

You told me I couldn’t,

I wanted to fly,

You said I shouldn’t,

I wanted to fly,

You reminded me of all my fears.

I stopped fighting the chain,

I simply let go,

The chain disappeared.

I reached inside and found my wings,

I found the nearest cliff,

Jumped off and soared.

All our long conversations turned to short sharp words,

With jagged edges,

The words became silence,

The silence became a known good-bye.

I don’t miss the anchor,

I miss the laughter,

I miss knowing I had a best friend,

I miss the memories.

I chose my wings,

I chose to fly,

I chose to dream a bigger life.

If I had to do it all again,

I would choose my wings every time.”

 

Years ago I had one of those moments where a poem came through me. I was simply holding the pen and paper. This poem had me look at the story I was currently telling myself about my partner.  I wanted her to be this person that she was consistently not being.  She was showing me reality through her words and her actions.  I kept telling myself oh she didn’t mean that or what she really meant was___________.  (Fill in something much nicer.)  I later came to terms with this calling it my potential versus reality.

I think it is great to hold a higher potential of other people, but at the same time it is really important to see what is actually in front of me.  This poem helped me re-frame the story I was telling myself and eventually was part of what I kept reading to keep myself in the truth of what was happening right in front of me.  It helped me own responsibility for my part and take right action for me. I was reminded again that the only power I had was to change me – my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

Here is that poem –

Flames of Desire

The fire was glowing, red and spitting

It sent off heat that melted the wax off the candles in the other room

Still she watched and reached closer

The fire spit higher as if to warn of the impending pain

She still wondered and watched and moved a little closer

The fire did as it had warned and sent out an explosion of fury

At first she was surprised, stunned; even hurt by what seemed unexpected

The fire continued to roar as only a fire knows how to do

She stepped back, turned away, and realized her desire to burn was gone and she had a beautiful life to live.